losing weight is easy, all you need to do is starve yourself!

WINTER WINDS ARE fastly blowing away, leaving in their absence the humid breezes of spring. Right now marketers are ramping up to high gear to push out products and programs aimed at helping (mostly) women feel bad about their bodies. I'm by no means of complacent obesity but some of the diets floating around (or continuing to float around) boggles my mind. They all seem to hinge on one basic premise: Hate the gym? Try out these easy peasy diets below and lose weight with none of the hassles that come with exercising.



THE MASTER CLEANSE
The premise is easy - put yourself on a liquid diet for as long as you can stand. The magic potion comes in many forms but the most common recipe includes soy sauce, maple syrup, cranberry juice and lemon juice. Just one word of warning: this potion is meant to move all that stuff you have lodged in your bowels out so be sure you have a bathroom nearby. According to one friend who's tried the diet "It's lucky for me that I work at home because by the third day I farted and almost poo'ed my pants." Fantastic.



THE GWYNETH PALTROW DETOX DIET
Here's the latest celeb diet plan that's fallen across my radar - Gwyneth Paltrow's alternative to the infamous Master Cleanse. It always kind of irks me when celebrities jump on the healthy preach boat to tell us ordinary beings their "secrets" to a slim and beautiful lifestyle like we don't already know: No day job + tons of money to spend on personal trainers + light surgery = recipe for success!

Gwyneth proves us right once again because in all her well meaning wisdom she forgot to account for the fact that most of us women would never have the time or spare change to even start attempting this ridiculous detox plan for one day much less an entire week. Here's a day's sample menu - this one is slightly more indulgent than the rest because it allows you to have dressing on your salad.

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water*
1:30pm (lunch): Salad with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds
6pm (dinner): Broccoli and Arugula Soup
*Make sure that the coconut water has no added sugar. Fresh is ideal but the brands Zico or Vita Coco are readily available.

If this doesn't inspire you maybe this added menu caution will:
"Adjust the time to your schedule and the meals to your taste but remember that there can be no dairy, grains with gluten, meat, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), fatty nuts, nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar and obviously no alcohol, caffeine or soda."



THE SPECIAL K DIET
Here's an oldie but a goodie. This gem of a diet has been gracing Special K boxes for as long as I can remember. At first it was kind of funny but now it just seems insulting to our intelligence. The diet claims that if we substitute half a bowl of Special K (served with skim milk) in for two meals every day for two weeks, we can easily shed 6 pounds. Head explodes.




THE KFC DIET
Not so much a diet insomuch a ridiculous marketing ploy attempting to pose fried chicken part of healthy meals and balanced diets everywhere. It was taken off the air shortly after the campaign kicked off because the claim was a blatant lie and because we no longer live in the errant and heady advertising heyday of the 1950's although someone obviously forgot to give KFC that memo.