An extraordinary email has come our way from the underworld aka Hell. Drafted by the company's CEO/Ruler Lucifer McSkittle and sent to all staff. Guess the economic crisis is really hitting all corners of the universe now...
To: Hell Minions Company List
From: Lucifer McSkittle
Sent: Tues 4/24/2009 10:21am
Subject: Ch-Ch-Changes
Greetings Minions,
There is no easy way to begin this email so I will get right to the point – due to several miscalculations in the past year in the Florida housing market in the last fiscal year, and an inability to reach our projections for Q1, company budgets within the Eternal Judgment Group
are being re-evaluated across the board.
In the face the deteriorating economy, both Hell and Heaven management are sharpening and deepening our focus on cost savings in an effort to preserve jobs. I want to take this time to assure you that we are not considering layoffs at this time here in Hell; however, a number of
out-of-the-box changes will be made effective immediately to make sure we can meet our targeted projections for the rest of this year.
The changes are detailed below:
1. LIMBO RESTRUCTURE
First and foremost, I would like to address a topic that has been widely debated over the past month. As we are all aware, ever since the Different Culture Fairness Act of 1912 and the widespread usage of the “I didn’t know God existed” defense, numbers in Limbo have dropped
drastically. Due to the cost inefficiencies of keeping this department open, Board of Directors voted last month to disband Limbo.
Since then numerous petitions have been submitted and reviewed. Unfortunately, while your petitions were unanimously signed by everyone in Limbo, 27 signatures are not nearly enough to reverse the board’s decision. Moreover, avoiding people you’d rather not meet in Heaven does not provide adequate justification for why this department is necessary. That being said, all of you are valued employees and we appreciate your past contributions so I have aligned with top
management and I believe we have found a solution that will satisfy everyone’s needs.
As one of the oldest non-profit organizations in history, a portion of our expenses here in Hell has always been covered through charitable contributions. During these tough economic times, giving has been at an all time low. Starting Monday, Limbo will be reinstated as a sub-branch of the Marketing and Communications department. It will oversee all our telemarketing and fundraising endeavors as we launch an aggressive campaign to re-engage our supporters. We need refocus on cultivating and deepening our B2C relationships. Remember, it’s not how much they give; it’s that we maintain their habit of giving.
Sidenote: I think it would behoove us to look into starting a new corporate givings incentive program as well. Julie, could you have someone in MnC look into getting the tobacco and weapons trading industry call lists to Sally in Limbo end of play today? Also, Mike let’s have Accounting look into what kinds of special tax benefits we can wrangle for the corporations who give (if we’re able to get extra tax breaks, it would be smart to target AIG first). Let's all circle
back re this issue at next Tuesday's company meeting.
2. NEW FLATTENED COMPANY STRUCTURE
Aside from Limbo being merged with MnC, the rest of our original 9-circle organizational hierarchy will be replaced with a more democratic, flattened system in an effort to reduce redundancies. Our original structure has caused inefficiencies and confusion across the
entire company. Starting next week, Hell will be a one size fits all solution. I want everyone thinking in terms of Krispy Kreme, not Starbucks.
3. AGGRESSIVE ACTION AGAINST BOOTLEG HELLS
We have been aware of certain humans creating their own personal versions of hell up on earth for quite some time now; however, in better economic times, we were able to turn a blind eye to it. We no longer have that luxury. In recent months, the number of copycat hells (most notable being the Personal Finance Hell and the Married to a Shopaholic Hell) has skyrocketed out of control.
Hell has been copyrighted since the early 1800’s and therefore we are entitled licensing fees. Larry, let’s get the Legal Department on this one right away. These new pirate versions of Hell are costing us thousands every week! Additionally, we will begin a new aggressive in-house PR campaign to remind people that there’s only one true Hell and that is ours. I expect everyone to post this news on their Facebooks and Twitter (don’t think I don’t notice you checking those
sites during work hours).
4. ETERNAL DAMNATION SCALE BACK
Eternal damnation has always been a standard incentive in our customer package; however, in recent years the number of patrons in Hell has gone up exponentially. Currently the cost of us keeping this incentive is roughly twice the profit it brings in. Instead of offering eternal damnation, new patrons will be offered a scaled back version – Extended Lifetime Damnation.
Due to the grandfather clause in our current patrons' contracts, we have to honor their rights to Eternal Damnation (Larry, let’s have Legal look into this for any loopholes). For the time being however, we will be begin offering current patrons an extra two months access to our gymnasium and a brand new pewter pitchfork should they switch to the Extended Lifetime Damnation Plan. ALL HELL STAFF ARE EXPECTED TO JOIN IN THIS EFFORT. As an extra incentive, all employees of the department that converts the most patrons will receive a $1,000 post tax bonus. This money will be taken from the salaries from employees in the other departments who failed to convert as many patrons.
Sidenote: Due to poor economic performance, Hell will not be giving out any other annual bonuses or promotions this year.
5. ENERGY CONSERVATION
Massive amounts of money are spent on heating and gas bills every month to keep Hell at this temperature. In an effort to be more environmentally friendly and cost effective, Hell will turn the furnaces off every Monday and Wednesday. Please prepare accordingly as it can get quite cold. The Hell gift shop has already begun sourcing the latest winter wear from our sister store, Wal-Mart so that we can enjoy always low prices, everyday.
I am aware that these changes may very well be painful as is the way when companies restructure; however let us all keep in mind that, in the end, these changes will be what will propel our company, pushing us to greater heights. Hell remains in the leadership position in the
greater universe and, irrespective of the downturn, is still regarded as the best option in the eyes of many clients.
We started out as a small company with a big vision. We are now a big company with an even bigger vision but still the heart of a small company. Now is the time for us to look to the future rather than dwelling the past. Let us take that great leap forward.
Cheers,
Lucifer McSkittle
CEO/Ruler of the Underworld
Eternal Judgment Group
P.S. Due to low productivity and the rise in psychological health care costs, fallen angels can no longer remain in Hell. Starting Monday, we will begin a month long relocation program to return you back to your original residences.
P.P.S. For this month only, all sweaters will be 10% off at the Hell gift shop for full time employees only.
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