Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Nanjing pictoral: night scenes
The first night we arrived in the city we herded over to Nanjing's historic Confucious Temple. Back in day, scores of aristocrataic hopefuls would come to this destination to to take the imperial examinations in an effort to gain admittance into the emperor's entourage of advisors and ambassadors. Nowadays, this once august landmark is surrounded by a warren-like maze cluttered with small shops selling kitch, tat and food on sticks. It's glittery, its crowded, it's neon-riffic.
Nanjing pictoral: the things we ate
Other than apparently being known for being the Bible printing capital of the world and the place where the Japanese plowed down over 100,000 people in the period of three months (eek!), Nanjing is also known for its amazing food (yum!). With roads constantly lined with sprawling plane trees and small vendors selling steamers full of delicious street buns and pastries, we walked and ate our way through the city over the long weekend.
Candied fruit kebabs
Roadside scallion pancakes
The lost art of cotton candy pulling
Candied fruit kebabs
Roadside scallion pancakes
Candy art man and groupies
The lost art of cotton candy pulling
Nanjing pictoral: trains, incense, mountains and massacres
Sometimes with my job I feel like I'm having the boarding school experience I never had when I was actually in high school. We spend the majority of our lives in the same place, 95% of my social interactions outside the office involve at least two or more work friends and if I organize any gathering without inviting the whole "gang" someone gets inevitably upset and sends passive aggressive texts/emails to me for the next week. How old are we again?
Two weekends ago, a herd of my work friends and I took a train trip up to Nanjing for the Tomb Sweeping Holidays. We didn't sweep any tombs but we did burn incense at a temple where buddahs were carved into the rock face, hiked up a mountain to see Sun Yat Sen's mausoleum and the Ming Tombs, and visited to the Nanjing massacre museum so I suppose we paid our respects to the dead in one form or another.
Nanjing train station
In this week's episode of "Super Tourist"...
Sun Yat Sen mausoleum. All the people here are secretly wondering, "We waited in line for half an hour for this??"
Qixia Temple grottos
View from the top
Paying respects
Two weekends ago, a herd of my work friends and I took a train trip up to Nanjing for the Tomb Sweeping Holidays. We didn't sweep any tombs but we did burn incense at a temple where buddahs were carved into the rock face, hiked up a mountain to see Sun Yat Sen's mausoleum and the Ming Tombs, and visited to the Nanjing massacre museum so I suppose we paid our respects to the dead in one form or another.
Nanjing train station
In this week's episode of "Super Tourist"...
Sun Yat Sen mausoleum. All the people here are secretly wondering, "We waited in line for half an hour for this??"
Qixia Temple grottos
View from the top
Paying respects
Thursday, April 9, 2009
company confidential: cutbacks in hell - an email from lucifer
An extraordinary email has come our way from the underworld aka Hell. Drafted by the company's CEO/Ruler Lucifer McSkittle and sent to all staff. Guess the economic crisis is really hitting all corners of the universe now...
To: Hell Minions Company List
From: Lucifer McSkittle
Sent: Tues 4/24/2009 10:21am
Subject: Ch-Ch-Changes
Greetings Minions,
There is no easy way to begin this email so I will get right to the point – due to several miscalculations in the past year in the Florida housing market in the last fiscal year, and an inability to reach our projections for Q1, company budgets within the Eternal Judgment Group
are being re-evaluated across the board.
In the face the deteriorating economy, both Hell and Heaven management are sharpening and deepening our focus on cost savings in an effort to preserve jobs. I want to take this time to assure you that we are not considering layoffs at this time here in Hell; however, a number of
out-of-the-box changes will be made effective immediately to make sure we can meet our targeted projections for the rest of this year.
The changes are detailed below:
1. LIMBO RESTRUCTURE
First and foremost, I would like to address a topic that has been widely debated over the past month. As we are all aware, ever since the Different Culture Fairness Act of 1912 and the widespread usage of the “I didn’t know God existed” defense, numbers in Limbo have dropped
drastically. Due to the cost inefficiencies of keeping this department open, Board of Directors voted last month to disband Limbo.
Since then numerous petitions have been submitted and reviewed. Unfortunately, while your petitions were unanimously signed by everyone in Limbo, 27 signatures are not nearly enough to reverse the board’s decision. Moreover, avoiding people you’d rather not meet in Heaven does not provide adequate justification for why this department is necessary. That being said, all of you are valued employees and we appreciate your past contributions so I have aligned with top
management and I believe we have found a solution that will satisfy everyone’s needs.
As one of the oldest non-profit organizations in history, a portion of our expenses here in Hell has always been covered through charitable contributions. During these tough economic times, giving has been at an all time low. Starting Monday, Limbo will be reinstated as a sub-branch of the Marketing and Communications department. It will oversee all our telemarketing and fundraising endeavors as we launch an aggressive campaign to re-engage our supporters. We need refocus on cultivating and deepening our B2C relationships. Remember, it’s not how much they give; it’s that we maintain their habit of giving.
Sidenote: I think it would behoove us to look into starting a new corporate givings incentive program as well. Julie, could you have someone in MnC look into getting the tobacco and weapons trading industry call lists to Sally in Limbo end of play today? Also, Mike let’s have Accounting look into what kinds of special tax benefits we can wrangle for the corporations who give (if we’re able to get extra tax breaks, it would be smart to target AIG first). Let's all circle
back re this issue at next Tuesday's company meeting.
2. NEW FLATTENED COMPANY STRUCTURE
Aside from Limbo being merged with MnC, the rest of our original 9-circle organizational hierarchy will be replaced with a more democratic, flattened system in an effort to reduce redundancies. Our original structure has caused inefficiencies and confusion across the
entire company. Starting next week, Hell will be a one size fits all solution. I want everyone thinking in terms of Krispy Kreme, not Starbucks.
3. AGGRESSIVE ACTION AGAINST BOOTLEG HELLS
We have been aware of certain humans creating their own personal versions of hell up on earth for quite some time now; however, in better economic times, we were able to turn a blind eye to it. We no longer have that luxury. In recent months, the number of copycat hells (most notable being the Personal Finance Hell and the Married to a Shopaholic Hell) has skyrocketed out of control.
Hell has been copyrighted since the early 1800’s and therefore we are entitled licensing fees. Larry, let’s get the Legal Department on this one right away. These new pirate versions of Hell are costing us thousands every week! Additionally, we will begin a new aggressive in-house PR campaign to remind people that there’s only one true Hell and that is ours. I expect everyone to post this news on their Facebooks and Twitter (don’t think I don’t notice you checking those
sites during work hours).
4. ETERNAL DAMNATION SCALE BACK
Eternal damnation has always been a standard incentive in our customer package; however, in recent years the number of patrons in Hell has gone up exponentially. Currently the cost of us keeping this incentive is roughly twice the profit it brings in. Instead of offering eternal damnation, new patrons will be offered a scaled back version – Extended Lifetime Damnation.
Due to the grandfather clause in our current patrons' contracts, we have to honor their rights to Eternal Damnation (Larry, let’s have Legal look into this for any loopholes). For the time being however, we will be begin offering current patrons an extra two months access to our gymnasium and a brand new pewter pitchfork should they switch to the Extended Lifetime Damnation Plan. ALL HELL STAFF ARE EXPECTED TO JOIN IN THIS EFFORT. As an extra incentive, all employees of the department that converts the most patrons will receive a $1,000 post tax bonus. This money will be taken from the salaries from employees in the other departments who failed to convert as many patrons.
Sidenote: Due to poor economic performance, Hell will not be giving out any other annual bonuses or promotions this year.
5. ENERGY CONSERVATION
Massive amounts of money are spent on heating and gas bills every month to keep Hell at this temperature. In an effort to be more environmentally friendly and cost effective, Hell will turn the furnaces off every Monday and Wednesday. Please prepare accordingly as it can get quite cold. The Hell gift shop has already begun sourcing the latest winter wear from our sister store, Wal-Mart so that we can enjoy always low prices, everyday.
I am aware that these changes may very well be painful as is the way when companies restructure; however let us all keep in mind that, in the end, these changes will be what will propel our company, pushing us to greater heights. Hell remains in the leadership position in the
greater universe and, irrespective of the downturn, is still regarded as the best option in the eyes of many clients.
We started out as a small company with a big vision. We are now a big company with an even bigger vision but still the heart of a small company. Now is the time for us to look to the future rather than dwelling the past. Let us take that great leap forward.
Cheers,
Lucifer McSkittle
CEO/Ruler of the Underworld
Eternal Judgment Group
P.S. Due to low productivity and the rise in psychological health care costs, fallen angels can no longer remain in Hell. Starting Monday, we will begin a month long relocation program to return you back to your original residences.
P.P.S. For this month only, all sweaters will be 10% off at the Hell gift shop for full time employees only.
To: Hell Minions Company List
From: Lucifer McSkittle
Sent: Tues 4/24/2009 10:21am
Subject: Ch-Ch-Changes
Greetings Minions,
There is no easy way to begin this email so I will get right to the point – due to several miscalculations in the past year in the Florida housing market in the last fiscal year, and an inability to reach our projections for Q1, company budgets within the Eternal Judgment Group
are being re-evaluated across the board.
In the face the deteriorating economy, both Hell and Heaven management are sharpening and deepening our focus on cost savings in an effort to preserve jobs. I want to take this time to assure you that we are not considering layoffs at this time here in Hell; however, a number of
out-of-the-box changes will be made effective immediately to make sure we can meet our targeted projections for the rest of this year.
The changes are detailed below:
1. LIMBO RESTRUCTURE
First and foremost, I would like to address a topic that has been widely debated over the past month. As we are all aware, ever since the Different Culture Fairness Act of 1912 and the widespread usage of the “I didn’t know God existed” defense, numbers in Limbo have dropped
drastically. Due to the cost inefficiencies of keeping this department open, Board of Directors voted last month to disband Limbo.
Since then numerous petitions have been submitted and reviewed. Unfortunately, while your petitions were unanimously signed by everyone in Limbo, 27 signatures are not nearly enough to reverse the board’s decision. Moreover, avoiding people you’d rather not meet in Heaven does not provide adequate justification for why this department is necessary. That being said, all of you are valued employees and we appreciate your past contributions so I have aligned with top
management and I believe we have found a solution that will satisfy everyone’s needs.
As one of the oldest non-profit organizations in history, a portion of our expenses here in Hell has always been covered through charitable contributions. During these tough economic times, giving has been at an all time low. Starting Monday, Limbo will be reinstated as a sub-branch of the Marketing and Communications department. It will oversee all our telemarketing and fundraising endeavors as we launch an aggressive campaign to re-engage our supporters. We need refocus on cultivating and deepening our B2C relationships. Remember, it’s not how much they give; it’s that we maintain their habit of giving.
Sidenote: I think it would behoove us to look into starting a new corporate givings incentive program as well. Julie, could you have someone in MnC look into getting the tobacco and weapons trading industry call lists to Sally in Limbo end of play today? Also, Mike let’s have Accounting look into what kinds of special tax benefits we can wrangle for the corporations who give (if we’re able to get extra tax breaks, it would be smart to target AIG first). Let's all circle
back re this issue at next Tuesday's company meeting.
2. NEW FLATTENED COMPANY STRUCTURE
Aside from Limbo being merged with MnC, the rest of our original 9-circle organizational hierarchy will be replaced with a more democratic, flattened system in an effort to reduce redundancies. Our original structure has caused inefficiencies and confusion across the
entire company. Starting next week, Hell will be a one size fits all solution. I want everyone thinking in terms of Krispy Kreme, not Starbucks.
3. AGGRESSIVE ACTION AGAINST BOOTLEG HELLS
We have been aware of certain humans creating their own personal versions of hell up on earth for quite some time now; however, in better economic times, we were able to turn a blind eye to it. We no longer have that luxury. In recent months, the number of copycat hells (most notable being the Personal Finance Hell and the Married to a Shopaholic Hell) has skyrocketed out of control.
Hell has been copyrighted since the early 1800’s and therefore we are entitled licensing fees. Larry, let’s get the Legal Department on this one right away. These new pirate versions of Hell are costing us thousands every week! Additionally, we will begin a new aggressive in-house PR campaign to remind people that there’s only one true Hell and that is ours. I expect everyone to post this news on their Facebooks and Twitter (don’t think I don’t notice you checking those
sites during work hours).
4. ETERNAL DAMNATION SCALE BACK
Eternal damnation has always been a standard incentive in our customer package; however, in recent years the number of patrons in Hell has gone up exponentially. Currently the cost of us keeping this incentive is roughly twice the profit it brings in. Instead of offering eternal damnation, new patrons will be offered a scaled back version – Extended Lifetime Damnation.
Due to the grandfather clause in our current patrons' contracts, we have to honor their rights to Eternal Damnation (Larry, let’s have Legal look into this for any loopholes). For the time being however, we will be begin offering current patrons an extra two months access to our gymnasium and a brand new pewter pitchfork should they switch to the Extended Lifetime Damnation Plan. ALL HELL STAFF ARE EXPECTED TO JOIN IN THIS EFFORT. As an extra incentive, all employees of the department that converts the most patrons will receive a $1,000 post tax bonus. This money will be taken from the salaries from employees in the other departments who failed to convert as many patrons.
Sidenote: Due to poor economic performance, Hell will not be giving out any other annual bonuses or promotions this year.
5. ENERGY CONSERVATION
Massive amounts of money are spent on heating and gas bills every month to keep Hell at this temperature. In an effort to be more environmentally friendly and cost effective, Hell will turn the furnaces off every Monday and Wednesday. Please prepare accordingly as it can get quite cold. The Hell gift shop has already begun sourcing the latest winter wear from our sister store, Wal-Mart so that we can enjoy always low prices, everyday.
I am aware that these changes may very well be painful as is the way when companies restructure; however let us all keep in mind that, in the end, these changes will be what will propel our company, pushing us to greater heights. Hell remains in the leadership position in the
greater universe and, irrespective of the downturn, is still regarded as the best option in the eyes of many clients.
We started out as a small company with a big vision. We are now a big company with an even bigger vision but still the heart of a small company. Now is the time for us to look to the future rather than dwelling the past. Let us take that great leap forward.
Cheers,
Lucifer McSkittle
CEO/Ruler of the Underworld
Eternal Judgment Group
P.S. Due to low productivity and the rise in psychological health care costs, fallen angels can no longer remain in Hell. Starting Monday, we will begin a month long relocation program to return you back to your original residences.
P.P.S. For this month only, all sweaters will be 10% off at the Hell gift shop for full time employees only.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
now the evening news report brought to you by dad
I was chatting with my dad online about the girl renting our condo in Atlanta. Apparently there have been a few stray dogs wandering around the area which freaked her out. My mom's solution was to tell her to carry an umbrella around with her at all times, opening and closing it intermittently, to defend herself against the dogs.
Dad: A small Korean girl lives in our condo, she drives a big van, carries a long umbrellar always in and out, is it a vivid picture.
Me: Hahah. that's really awesome.
Dad: A small Korean girl lives in our condo, she drives a big van, carries a long umbrellar always in and out, is it a vivid picture.
Me: Hahah. that's really awesome.
Dad: Well, you get it. By the way, 1) Obarma is in Turky to make a peace with Islum. 2) An earth quake in Italy. 3) March 18, Chinese government turned down a buying deal proposed by Coca Cola.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
think before you speak
When I lived in Beijing, I found the place populated with a very specific type of expat male - the I'm a Foreigner so I am God's Gift to Women kind. In short, they were letches with swelled egos due to the sheer overabundance of easy, local girls. Guys with no marketable skills in either the job, money, personality or look departments could land a girlfriend (or at the very least a girl for the night) if they had even just a tenuous grasp of the Chinese language. Sometimes, it felt like it didn't even take them learning any Chinese at all. They could just smile idiotically and a local girl would land in their laps.
In the face of such a buyers market, normal boys who were most likely "nice guys" back in their home countries turned a total Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde and just went insane. It was a common occurrence to see not one, not two but a bar full of men chasing after girls who were many, many times out of their leagues charmlessly yelling, "NI HEN PIAO LIANG! (You're very beautiful!)" with the overblown confidence of people who have clearly lost their minds.
While this has happened to me countless times, the one instance that really sticks out happened during the Beijing Midi Music Festival. Dusk had fallen and I was ambling towards the exit after a day of rock, breathing in the warm night air, totally lost in thought. Suddenly my reverie was rudely interrupted by a group of three Americans. In an unbelievably brash move that they probably would never have attempted back in the States, someone in their posse reached over and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards him shouting (despite the fact that by that point I was mere inches away from his stupid face), "NI HEN PIAO LIANG!" as his equally stupid friends laughed.
By that time, it had gotten pretty dark so all I saw was some dark form grab me and it freaked me out to the extent that I yanked my arm away so forcefully I nearly threw him to the ground. I suppose I added insult to surprise injury when I then shrieked, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME ASSHOLE!"
Through the darkness I saw all their dumbfounded surprise as the wheels clicked slowly away in their dimmed brains (Chinese looking girl -> Speaks perfect english -> Used colloquial grammer structure and curse word -> maybe not from China? -> Mistake). As I stomped away I faintly heard one of them yell, "NI BU HEN PIAO LIANG! (You are not pretty!)"
So that was Beijing, a city where accosting a girl is the most charming thing most guys can think of to approach her.
Since I moved to Shanghai, I haven't been really been bothered by any guys who have tried to pick me purely on the merit of him being foreign. Most of them will attempt intelligent conversation or at the very least pretend that they have a lot of money. After not having contact with the I'm Special Because I'm Foreign expat guy for so long, I nearly forgot that they existed until a couple weeks ago when one tried to pick not just me up but my friend Y all in one, rather unimpressive swoop.
Y and I were intently rifling through a book cart on a street corner. For those of you not versed in book carts, a very Shanghai thing, they are literally vendors towing wooden carts full of bootlegged books. The selection is not that great and consists of a pretty schizophrenic selection of books from either A list (Malcolm Gladwell) or D list (Sophie Kinsella) authors but still each book costs only USD3 so they tend to be well worth a browse.
I had just picked up Huxley's Brave New World when I heard a voice next to me.
"I read that."
I turn and saw a short, squat, 30 something with beady eyes and a balding head.
"Yeah, is it good?" I asked silently wondering why good looking males never seem to browse bootleg book carts.
"It's okay." he pauses and then continues carefully articulating his words as if speaking to a child "Did you know? That author is a verrrry famous author,"
Y let out a loud snort of repressed laughter and I felt my inner nerd prickling with indignance. "I know he's famous." I glared.
"Thanks for telling us though. That was so... helpful." Y chimed in, her voice laced with barely contained mean girl glee.
I'll have to give it to baldy. While most guys would have taken the hint from the way I was stabbing him with my pupiles and left he continued, "Oh. Yeah. You girls look pretty smart."
Silence.
"You know how I know you girls are smart?" he continued unfazed.
"How?"
"Your English is so good."
This was so unexpected that it caused Y and I to stop and turn to look at him incredulously.
Finally Y spoke, "Gee, thanks."
Sensing he may have misspoke, the guy faltered. "Oh, you girls aren't from Shanghai are you?"
In the face of such a buyers market, normal boys who were most likely "nice guys" back in their home countries turned a total Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde and just went insane. It was a common occurrence to see not one, not two but a bar full of men chasing after girls who were many, many times out of their leagues charmlessly yelling, "NI HEN PIAO LIANG! (You're very beautiful!)" with the overblown confidence of people who have clearly lost their minds.
While this has happened to me countless times, the one instance that really sticks out happened during the Beijing Midi Music Festival. Dusk had fallen and I was ambling towards the exit after a day of rock, breathing in the warm night air, totally lost in thought. Suddenly my reverie was rudely interrupted by a group of three Americans. In an unbelievably brash move that they probably would never have attempted back in the States, someone in their posse reached over and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards him shouting (despite the fact that by that point I was mere inches away from his stupid face), "NI HEN PIAO LIANG!" as his equally stupid friends laughed.
By that time, it had gotten pretty dark so all I saw was some dark form grab me and it freaked me out to the extent that I yanked my arm away so forcefully I nearly threw him to the ground. I suppose I added insult to surprise injury when I then shrieked, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME ASSHOLE!"
Through the darkness I saw all their dumbfounded surprise as the wheels clicked slowly away in their dimmed brains (Chinese looking girl -> Speaks perfect english -> Used colloquial grammer structure and curse word -> maybe not from China? -> Mistake). As I stomped away I faintly heard one of them yell, "NI BU HEN PIAO LIANG! (You are not pretty!)"
So that was Beijing, a city where accosting a girl is the most charming thing most guys can think of to approach her.
Since I moved to Shanghai, I haven't been really been bothered by any guys who have tried to pick me purely on the merit of him being foreign. Most of them will attempt intelligent conversation or at the very least pretend that they have a lot of money. After not having contact with the I'm Special Because I'm Foreign expat guy for so long, I nearly forgot that they existed until a couple weeks ago when one tried to pick not just me up but my friend Y all in one, rather unimpressive swoop.
Y and I were intently rifling through a book cart on a street corner. For those of you not versed in book carts, a very Shanghai thing, they are literally vendors towing wooden carts full of bootlegged books. The selection is not that great and consists of a pretty schizophrenic selection of books from either A list (Malcolm Gladwell) or D list (Sophie Kinsella) authors but still each book costs only USD3 so they tend to be well worth a browse.
I had just picked up Huxley's Brave New World when I heard a voice next to me.
"I read that."
I turn and saw a short, squat, 30 something with beady eyes and a balding head.
"Yeah, is it good?" I asked silently wondering why good looking males never seem to browse bootleg book carts.
"It's okay." he pauses and then continues carefully articulating his words as if speaking to a child "Did you know? That author is a verrrry famous author,"
Y let out a loud snort of repressed laughter and I felt my inner nerd prickling with indignance. "I know he's famous." I glared.
"Thanks for telling us though. That was so... helpful." Y chimed in, her voice laced with barely contained mean girl glee.
I'll have to give it to baldy. While most guys would have taken the hint from the way I was stabbing him with my pupiles and left he continued, "Oh. Yeah. You girls look pretty smart."
Silence.
"You know how I know you girls are smart?" he continued unfazed.
"How?"
"Your English is so good."
This was so unexpected that it caused Y and I to stop and turn to look at him incredulously.
Finally Y spoke, "Gee, thanks."
Sensing he may have misspoke, the guy faltered. "Oh, you girls aren't from Shanghai are you?"
"No."
"Are you students?" he pressed on hopefully.
I guess for some people, if you can't be a local, the next best thing is if you're a student. Financial desperation is almost a good a target as passport desperation for a smarmy guy with not many - or any - redeeming qualities?
"No," I replied evenly, my eyes unconsciously narrowing (Y later told me that I looked like I was about to club him over the head with my copy of Brave New World), "are you a student?"
"No, I work for a magazine," bald man said uncomfortably, shrinking away from my gaze.
"Oh really? Do tell us. Which one?" I purred venomously.
"You wouldn't have heard of it. It's a magazine for..." he pauses and on his face, I saw a look that seemed oddly reminiscent and then I remembered - it was that all too familiar look of wheels turning in a dim head that I had seen guys from Beijing get. Memory lane! "...It's a magazine for doctors!" he finished looking at us obviously hoping that we wouldn't question him further.
Much to his relief, Y and I decided to let it drop. We paid for our books and headed on our way. As I carried that armful of books down the road I thought how funny it was that I had already been treated to a story that night without having to read a thing.
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